Why Do I Get Jealous? And How Do I Fix This?
Jealousy is one of those complicated human emotions which exists on a multidimensional plane. A lot has been written about the topic in the academic journals in the last 100 years. But rather than a literature review devoid of practical applicability, let’s simplify things based on my understanding as a relationship coach.
This may get a little abstract but stay with me. For the math-minded girlies who think in graphs like I do, let’s say that jealousy ranges from rational to irrational on the independent plane (x-axis) and results in behaviors that range from healthy to unhealthy on the dependent plane (y-axis). This means that the emotional experience (which could be provoked or unprovoked) leads to actions that may or may not be appropriate.
The first step in deciding whether you are a jealous person by nature, is in being honest with yourself about whether your partner has given you a reason to be jealous. Is your husband hiding his phone and placing it face down upon entering rooms? Maybe he’s texting more often than before at nighttime? Or he’s coming home later than usual…. etc.? In other words, is your husband acting in a way that most people would agree is shady? If so, then what you are experiencing is closer to rational jealousy. However, if your spouse has not actually been acting suspiciously in a way that most people could agree on, then what you are experiencing is closer to the irrational end of the jealousy spectrum. Regardless of which type of jealousy you are feeling, all of your emotions are always valid. Rational or not. We’ve all been there.
Irrational Jealousy
Let’s go through some common sources of irrational jealousy. There are only two I’ve come across in my coaching career: betrayal trauma after being cheated on in the past, and core wounds developed during childhood.
Betrayal trauma is exactly what it sounds like—a deep sense of loss of safety and trust after relational trauma such as infidelity. People tend to experience a lot of anxiety related to the incident in terms of flashbacks and dreams. This can also result in hypervigilance in a subconscious effort to prevent a similar betrayal from happening. In the context of marriage, those who have a history of previous unprocessed betrayal trauma can find themselves experiencing big emotions with relatively benign triggers, also known as emotional flashbacks (Walker, 2013). For example, a sister may feel significantly anxious to the point of a panic attack one evening when her husband comes home 10 minutes late. This can be a deeply unsettling experience.
Another source of irrational jealousy are core wounds which are related to childhood traumas. Although there are as many core wounds as there are people, the two most common ones I see in my practice are the abandonment wound and the unworthy wound. Again, these are exactly what they sound like. Children who grow up with a history of neglect or abuse internalize the maltreatment and come to conclusions (i.e false beliefs) about themselves and the way the world works. “I will be abandoned” and “I am unworthy of love and kindness” are sadly two all too familiar core wounds which many of us carry. Sometimes one, and sometimes both. These wounded individuals are also prone to experiencing emotional flashbacks with small triggers. The sister who is afraid of being abandoned, will have the same panic attack with the 10-minute late husband.
Behavioral Response to Jealousy
The behavior resulting from jealousy, regardless of its rationality, ranges from healthy to unhealthy. In general, healthy responses are proportionate and beneficial whereas unhealthy responses are disproportionate and/or harmful to the person experiencing the jealousy. For example, let’s go back to that same late husband. A healthy response would be to have a conversation with him about why he was late 10 minutes, and to leave the issue there if he gave a reasonable answer. If the questioner is feeling big emotions due to previous traumas, a healthy response would be to employ self-regulating techniques to help them manage possible flashbacks. They could take a walk, write in their journal, or even reach out to a professional therapist or coach where they could start processing their underlying wound. Any or all of these would be proportionate to the situation and beneficial for the sister experiencing the jealousy.
In this same situation, an unhealthy response would be to escalate the discussion with the husband and hold him responsible for something that could not have happened. An individual with betrayal trauma may shift into a state of hypervigilance and may start tracking his location or investigate his phone’s history. A sister with a wound around abandonment may ask for constant reassurance that her husband is not planning to leave. Another with a wound around worthiness may withdraw and pullback from the relationship to protect herself from the impending rejection that she believes is coming. All of these are sourced from a place of unresolved pain buried deep in the subconscious. The key to avoiding the harmful actions and mitigating the dysregulating emotions is to address the underlying trauma.
How do you address the underlying issue?
That depends. If you have been cheated on in the past or suffered a similar betrayal, I’d recommend looking up the term “betrayal trauma” on YouTube or Google and see if you resonate with the description. There are a ton of resources online including free support groups and content created by licensed professionals. Pick ones that seem doable and see if they work for you. Ultimately, depending on how much the underlying betrayal trauma is affecting your life, it may be a good idea to find a therapist who specializes in what you’ve experienced.
Similarly, if you have a history of childhood trauma and are able to name your core wounds, then the goal is to find strategies to help you start to process and reprogram those wounds. If you can afford formal therapy, then that is the best place to start. However, there are again online resources created by licensed experts on trauma which can give you a starting off point. Depending on the nature of your trauma, there may again be available support groups that can often be attended virtually. I have no affiliation with her work whatsoever, but I always recommend clients start with Thais Gibson and her Personal Development School which provides self-directed courses on reprogramming specific core wounds for a relatively affordable fee. Books are always a great option with many of them being available as free audiobooks on YouTube.
And of course, if you would like more specific information on your individual situation and advice on where to start to look for help, you can always reach out to me directly by filling out a Contact Us form in the link above.
Final Thoughts
Jealousy can be a negative and often painful experience that sabotages otherwise great relationships. Rather than seeing it as its own entity, it is helpful to understand it as a symptom of a greater underlying issue that needs your attention. The subconscious is a mysterious place and any information about what may be going on in that realm is incredibly valuable. The more you know about what specifically hurts in your psyche, the better a chance you’ll have to start healing these underlying wounds which all of us carry in one form or another. And only then can lasting internal peace and contentment become possible.
References
Walker, Pete. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma. 1st ed., CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform, December 13, 2013.
