How Do I Avoid Uncommitted Men Who Pretend to Want Marriage?
So, like every other archetype, the key to recognizing Mr.Uncommitted is understanding why he approaches you in the first place. What motivates this gentleman? And why does he start go-nowhere talking stages on purpose?
Who is Mr.Uncommitted?
The Loneliness Epidemic is a real phenomenon. In 2023, the WHO declared loneliness a “Global Health Concern” as social isolation was associated with a number of poor health outcomes ranging from dementia to coronary artery disease (Do Couto, 2023). Without going into all the data…let me just tell you that it’s pretty bad.
How are people coping with this pain of isolation? For most Muslims, the obvious answer is marriage. Even so, for one reason or another, many people aren’t quite ready to take this step. Consciously or subconsciously, a subset of the “not ready” folks decide that they would like the emotional benefits of being in a relationship…without actually being in one. So they download a dating app and find a “meantime person” to soothe their need for companionship. And thus another Mr.Uncommitted is born and enters the marriage market.
Interestingly, this gentleman knows that if the sisters in his inbox understood his actual intentions, most would immediately look for the block button. Therefore, Mr.Uncommitted becomes an actor. He plays pretend. He performs the absolute bare minimum version of “talking stage tasks” so that he can quietly benefit from your soothing kindness.
Shocking, isn’t it. I have been a relationship coach for a long time, and I would say that the overwhelming majority of men you come across during your search for a spouse are probably some version of Mr.Uncommitted.
So what can you do? How do you protect your time and heart from these disingenuous folks? Simple. Learn to recognize and sidestep them completely. Understand the telltale signs of their approach at every step of their sham courtship. Here are some of the big ones.
The Bio
The hallmark of Mr.Uncommitted’s bio is that it is extremely low effort. These will be blank, a few sentences long, or written completely by AI. The words themselves will be devoid of any real substance and are instead generic one-liners. Overall, Mr.Uncommitted’s bio will tell you very little about him or what he is looking for in a partner.
In other words, if the bio you come across is not well thought out and organized into paragraphs…he is probably not interested in commitment.
Texting Style
In order to recognize Mr.Uncommitted’s texting style you first need to be detached enough to see it clearly. What does this mean?
Well, many of us carry a little codependency within us along with it’s constellation of “not enough” core wounds. As a result, we have a hard time tolerating the awkwardness of a dry conversation. We find ourselves often jumping in and taking on the task of driving the banter forward with our wit and questions.
The problem is that this is exactly what Mr.Uncommitted wants. He is looking for a low effort way to engage in human interaction without having to think up what to talk about. He will be all too happy to respond to your questions, laugh at your jokes, and give the illusion of mutual interest that just isn’t there. In order to see the mirage clearly…learn to step back Sis. Reciprocate without initiating. Match his energy and respond to his questions, but do your best to let him be the one driving the conversation to see if it even gets off the ground.
And once you step back to let him shine—he won’t. The flow will fall off quickly and go nowhere. There will be long periods of silence interrupted by awkwardness or hostility. Either way, the complete lack of desire to get to know you will be difficult to miss.
The Courtship
Again, the theme here is low effort. Mr.Uncommitted’s goal will be to get you to hand over hours of your adoration while teaching you to expect very little from him in return. It is a very thin line that these gentlemen somehow walk expertly.
How do they accomplish this? There’s an idea in behavioral psychology called “Intermittent Reinforcement” based on studies published in the 1950s (Ferster, 1957). Basically, the theory states that if an individual performs a task and is rewarded at random and unpredictable times, they will sit and perform that task a lot longer than they would if the rewards were given at predictable times. Sort of like what happens at a slot machine in a casino. People will continue to insert the coins for hours believing that the next coin will result in a pay off. Surely the next one. Mr.Uncommitted is a master of this strategy.
In the beginning, you’ll feel some level of connection (especially if you are subconsciously the one who is actually driving the conversation). It may even feel like he’s interested and the two of you have a lot in common. Within the first week or so, the inconsistency starts to creep in. He will disappear at random times, often for days, before reappearing when he gets lonely and needs your validation. Even the content of his text messages will seem to oscillate from bare and detached to vibrant and invested. And because of the hot and cold nature of his attention…you’ll be glued to your phone waiting for the next text message. The next reassurance that he actually likes you too. Surely the next one.
Final Thoughts
Sis your time, kindness, and companionship are extremely valuable. You are a delight to be around, and your mere presence is a salve for lonely hearts. Unfortunately, there are those who would like to manipulate these treasures away from you in exchange for the illusion of their affection.
Understand how low commitment men like to move. And when you see them coming your way—cross the street.
References
Do Couto, Sarah. “Loneliness Is Now a ‘Global Public Health Concern,’ Says WHO.” Global News, 16 Nov. 2023, Global News.
Ferster, Charles B., and B. F. Skinner. Schedules of Reinforcement. Appleton-Century-Crofts, 1957.
