3 Newlywed Mistakes (and How to Avoid them)

The first year is undoubtedly the most important year of your marriage.  As the honeymoon stage wraps up and the power struggle stage sets in…the communication system you’ve set up (or not set up) will determine whether or not there is a year two.  A lot is at stake.

When you ask any member of a multi-decade marriage what their secret is, their response is always related to communication.  There is a reason for that.  Learning how to talk to one another so that each individual understands and is understood in turn, is not a spontaneous skill.  Conflict resolution requires commitment, patience, and truckloads of trial and error. 

To save you a few those trials, let’s go through some of the most common errors that newlyweds are known to make.

1. They Assume They’ll Know How to Communicate—They Won’t.

Communication is just talking right?  You’ve spent your whole life talking to your parents, siblings, and other family members.  This will be just more of the same?  Yeah, that’s what I thought too in my first marriage. 

It turns out that effective communication is more than just talking.  At it’s core, it is an exchange of essential information.  When formal sit-downs are done correctly, couples convey and receive the RIGHT information required to meet one another’s needs and actually resolve conflicts.  Figuring out the underlying cause of what you would like your spouse to know, articulating this information, and listening to understand what your spouse is experiencing on their end are all skills that need to be intentionally developed.  Very, very few people know how to communicate this way spontaneously. 

The couples who do crack this code require years of practise to build an effective communication system.  They are usually categorized under the “happy” section of marriage statistics tables.

2. They Under-Communicate, and Sweep Things Under the Rug

When you first move into a home with your husband, he’s a stranger.  Even if you’ve known him your whole life­—he’s still a stranger.  He grew up in different circumstances, with different caregivers, and a whole host of people you’ve likely never met.  This person has his own personality, core wounds, and relationship history.  All of this translates into an individual who does things differently from what you’re used to.  Each day you will discover a new irksome habit that grates on your nerves and furrows your brows.  Don’t worry, mine are permanently furrowed too.  All of this is normal.

So, what can you do? The key is to be honest with yourself about what will and will not develop into resentment over time within your psyche.  Anything that can potentially turn into a grudge requires a formal discussion.  Unfortunately, because of the overwhelming number of ways that their spouse tends to annoy them at the beginning of marriage, many newlyweds confuse communication with confrontation and start sweeping issues under the rug.   This is a very bad habit.

Resentment is like rust in marriage.  It will eat away at the trust and emotional bond you are trying to build with your husband.  In the beginning, it is okay to over-communicate and discuss ALL the little issues to prevent resentment.  Actually, it’s more than okay—it’s recommended.  Over time, you will find that less and less of these formal discussions will be necessary as you get better at being able to distinguish what can be let go safely, and what needs actual resolution.  Until then, put away the broom and discuss everything.

3. They Leave the House to Make a Point

Assuming that you feel otherwise safe with your husband and that abuse is not part of the equation…try not to pack and leave during arguments.  Even though it may feel like you’re establishing a boundary, this isn’t the right way to do so.  The only thing that sleeping outside the home does is to teach your spouse that you cannot be trusted to stay.  And because the basis of love is indeed trust—constantly leaving irreparably damages your marital bond. 

So, how do you set boundaries?  How do you let your spouse know that you are serious about an issue?  Simple.  Learn how to communicate effectively with your language.  If your spouse cares about your well-being and is invested in you being okay, then he will do whatever he can to help you be okay.  There is a good chance that he doesn’t understand how deeply the issue is affecting you.  The key to helping him understand what you are experiencing is to understand it yourself on a deeper level, and then to articulate that back to him clearly. 

Communicating with your words, rather than your absence is not an easy skill that shows up overnight—but it is worth learning how to develop it in your marriage.  If you’d like to learn how to do this the easy way without years of trial and error, click here.

Final Thoughts

It’s worth saying again that the first year of marriage is the most important one.  It is crucial to set up the right communication systems before life starts life-ing.  Job loss, moving homes, family-of-origin drama, pregnancy, children, financial issues, etc. will constantly test the integrity of your bond regardless of how much you love each other. 

So how do you stay together and achieve that elusive long-lasting and successful marriage? By learning effective communication.